The Art Of Bucket Showering - A Nine Step Guide

Shortly after arriving in Achiase I came to realise that giving yourself a good bucket shower is a delicate art. Here is a short step by step guide, in case any of you decide that running water is soooooo 2011...

You will need:

• 1 standard size plastic bucket (also used for laundry, toilet flushing and chasing bats out of the hallway)
• Shampoo
• Soap
• Towel
• Sponge (advanced users only)

Step 1 - Okay, if we're going to be picky about it, technically step 1 would be going to the river to collect water and trekking back up The Mountain with a bucket on your head, but since this usually happens well in advance of the actual shower let's just move on, shall we? So first you must fill your bucket from the water bins in the hallway. It is advised to use the industrial-size butter tubs to help you do this, as if you just stick your bucket in you run the risk of catching a few tadpoles that have emigrated from the river, and it's not particularly pleasant throwing one of those slimy things down your back.

Step 2 - Take your bucket, soap and towel into the washroom. Hang your towel on the rusty nail sticking out of the back of the door, but be sure to check for cockroaches first (these creepy crawlies are the same colour as the door and are easily camouflaged). Undress and hang your clothes along the line strung across the washroom. Make sure not to place them in the Splash Zone. If there are any spiders on the walls just tap the tiles with your shampoo bottle and they should keep their distance.

Step 3 -  You are now ready to shower. Bend over and stick your head inside the bucket, wetting as much hair as possible. Use your hands to scoop water on to that hard-to-reach back of the scalp area. Remove your head and allow the excess water to run off your hair and back into the bucket.

Step 4 -  Apply shampoo to wet hair in the usual way. Once hair has been sufficiently lathered, squeeze as much shampoo as possible out of your hair before proceeding to step 5. Avoid letting excess lather fall into the bucket - try to aim near the drain.

Step 5 -  Tilt your head back and pour a small amount of water onto your hair near the front of your scalp. Allow water to run back through your hair and onto the floor. Squeeze out as much excess shampoo lather as possible, as in step 4. Repeat this process until all shampoo is removed (this usually takes about three rounds).

Step 6 -  By this point you should have used around 1/3 of the water in your bucket (maximum). Use your hands to scoop water on to your arms, legs, torso and back. Advanced users may wish to use a sponge at this point. Use your soap to wash your body until a thick layer of lather coats the majority of your person.

Step 7 -  Pour water over the soapy areas until lather has been rinsed away.

Step 8 - You now have half your bucket of water remaining to use in whichever way you see fit. Popular uses include: repeated washing of feet, cooling sunburn, killing spiders and shaving of legs (although this must only be attempted by experienced users to avoid a great deal of pain and bloodshed).

Step 9 - Take your towel off the door, shake it to dislodge any insects, and dry yourself off. Dress and exit.

Congratulations! You have just efficiently bucket showered your entire body using less water than most Westerners use to wash their hands. Don't you feel clean and fresh? (The answer is no, because obviously you have already started sweating again.)